Archive for the ‘One Funny Mother’ Category
Every so often my husband Jimmy kicks out a one-liner that just makes me want to kill him…..enjoy.
Friends of ours, who just got married, were talking about the cost of their wedding. Jimmy casually chimes in with…“Weddings are the biggest waste of time and money”.
This year we celebrated our 13th Biggest Waste of Time and Money Anniversary. I’m a lucky gal.
I watched an episode of Dance moms. I’m not proud of this….I actually feel dirty after watching it. Similar to how I felt after watching “flava flav” on “flavor of love”. I feel like this admission might have been a mistake.
I do make sure my kids eat vegetables on a regular basis……
I can actually feel you judging me on this one.
Today’s “One Funny Mother” Friday is Kathleen from NJ. Thanks for sending this pic.
One lovely Saturday morning, I am driving down the road in my cool minivan with kids buckled in. I am nearing an intersection when I notice a small turtle in the middle of the road…clearly frightened and facing imminent death.
Being of sound mind and body, I realize that it is up to me to save this turtle from an untimely demise.
This road is usually busy but at the moment was quiet so I throw the car into park and bark at my children to remain in their seats. I get out of the car and run toward the helpless animal when I begin to recognize that this turtle is larger than I thought. So I quickly approach this creature, prepared for a quick grab and drop at the curb, when all of sudden this thing LUNGES at me. Not just lunges–but its neck stretches out like ugly, mean ET, it opens its mouth and HISSES…loudly. This thing was straight out of The Exorcist.
I was so freaked out that I jumped and my glasses flew right off of my face and landed beneath the turtle. No joke and without my glasses I am legally blind. So there I am, legally blind with cars starting to pass me thinking “who is that crazy lady in the middle of the road with the hissing turtle”.
So I run toward the fuzzy outline of my van and open the trunk grabbing my REALTOR Open House sign which doubles as a weapon in a time of need. I charge at the turtle, fearlessly yelling, holding my sign like a sword in hopes of scaring this this thing off my damn glasses.
And there begins the fencing match. I thrust forward to the right side. It hisses, pivots and lunges. I repeat on the left side. It pivots, hisses, lunges. And not only has the street become really busy, but I am acutely aware that I have small children wondering why their mom is sparring with a turtle.
FINALLY, this thing lunges”off” my glasses. With the metal spike of the sign, I scrape them away from the turtle’s underbelly, swipe them up and jump back into the car–the whole time thinking “I hope you die turtle”. I didn’t realize I was cursing out loud about my newfound hatred of turtles until my daughter starts screaming and sobbing “you cannot judge all turtles based on the actions of one”.
And the worst part of it. My glasses smelled like turtle poo.
The moral. Snapping turtles are evil and do not care if you want to save them. They will eat you given the chance which is why you should focus on the safety of your children and yourself first.