Is there such a thing as “Happy Purgatory”?

I wrote this article in early January but didn’t publish it. I was really having a hard time. I thought I sounded too negative, too scared. But maybe you feel the same about certain things and can relate. Let me know…

It’s been month since I announced I was moving out and renting my house for six months. Between our OFM Trip, a bout of Covid, Christmas and my dog, Colby, dying…my life has since turned upside down. The excitement of moving and starting my new life has been plagued by days spent in bed, feeling the numbing pang of “Christmas Failure” (I didn’t have to energy to shop of presents for anyone) and ushering the kids (and myself) through saying good-bye to Colby and losing another piece of our “Blizzard” unit.

Because everything is delayed I’m still living out of boxes, I’ve been cycling through the same four shirts for the last three weeks and I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed, which arrives tomorrow. (And by “arrive” I mean I have to go home, pack it into a truck and drag up up a flight of steps.)

I shouldn’t be complaining. I chose this. It was time to “Shake the Tree” and take some steps to start over in my new life….but it’s hard. On the morning show yesterday, we watched while piano movers packed my piano for it’s journey it our new home with Jason. Over the years, my piano has been moved three times and each time I’ve found it mesmerizing. The process is so meticulous, methodical…and done with such care. As the men rolled it away and I said good-bye to my online audience I could see the empty space behind me on screen…and it struck me. My home looked so….empty.

I’m renting my house “furnished” and I negotiated with my renter to take the items that were dear to me, like my piano, but as I move pieces of my life out of the house, it feels less and less like my home. I keep reminding myself it’s going to my NEW home and I KNOW it will be wonderful, but that process…the peeling back of my life…gives me pause.

A lot of people have commented how brave I am for taking these steps to move forward. How inspirational it is. While I appreciate the sentiment, I feel less than inspirational and more like I’m second guessing everything. Not in a way that I’m making a mistake, just in a way that I’m scared out of my mind.

Moving forward requires FAITH. Faith in yourself. FAITH in others.

Since most of us “Starting Over” have been through some sh*t, whether caused by others, our own past decisions or bad luck, finding FAITH again can be pretty scary.

DECIDING to make a change is just the first step.

STAYING THE COURSE when things go sideways is the second.

And having FAITH you’ve learned some sh*t, you’re stronger, wiser and more resilient than you realize, is step three.

I’ve got some wounds that are still open. I’ve got some healing to do when it comes to trusting people with my heart.

Everything in my soul says this is where I’m supposed to be, where my kids should be. And that’s with Jason and his family.

Acknowledging your past traumas and things you are working on personally, shouldn’t stop you from moving forward. You can move forward scared. You can move forward with hesitation. You just have to move forward with FAITH.And when you do, you may find yourself…and your power along the way. At least I hope so…because I’m banking on it.