Learning to be okay with silence.

I posted this week “I was done”. While I usually find it easy to get up, put a smile on my face and trudge through the mundane tasks of life….I just couldn’t do it one more day. I spoke with a few girlfriends, but I was otherwise quiet (other than my boisterous renditions of John Denver’s “Grandma’s Feather Bed”)

Years ago, I would have hated the silence. I would have craved unloading my woes to girlfriends, gone to dinner to avoid eating alone and stayed up late drinking wine and chatting the night away til bedtime. But at the tender age of 52, I’ve grown up. I’ve realized the only person who can calm my brain is me. It’s taken 50 some years to figure out what that even means, but I just know.

My whole life I’ve craved and sought out the wisdom and counsel of elders. I love old people! I’ve collected them throughout my life. My grandparents, now my mom and many loving aunts. Mentors from college, piano teachers and Miss NJ volunteers helped shape my view of the world and taught me to look outside myself. And I’ve treasured every bit of wisdom imparted upon me.

But at 52 I feel myself FINALLY crossing over. Finally feeling like I don’t need to fun to someone else for solace and relying on my own experiences that….although today isn’t great…the future is bright. I find myself repeating softly… “Where I am today is not an indicator of where I’ll be forever.” And I need to hear that. Know that.

The calm which my grandmom, Irene, showed when I’d lament my daily struggles of a young, twenty-two year old now sits with me and settles my soul. I used to wonder how she just…knew. How she knew everything would be fine.

I’m not OLD or wise, by any stretch. But I’ve learned some sh*t in 52 years.

In the silence, I can hear myself think.

In the silence, I can take responsibility for my own actions.

In the silence, I can see things from other perspectives.

In the silence, I can let go of what others think and do what’s right for me.

Mind you…the silence sometimes includes me singing “LADY, you’re my night in shining armour….and I love you!” at the top of my lungs. Kenny Rogers wouldn’t have it any other way. But I’m oddly fine with silence, in a way I never knew I could be.

Maybe that’s called growing up?

Mind you, I don’t want this all the time. I’d go crazy. But tonight it’s what I need to recharge. Kudos, to everyone who is already there. Okay…in the silence. I cheer for those still afraid of it. I find great peace in it. A peace I’ve wanted for a long time.

I’ll get off my soap box now. Kenny wants me to sing the Dolly Parton parts of “Island in the sea”….

Sidenote: Yes, I know the cabinet door over my shoulder in my picture is open. Yes, it annoys me. Yes, I tried to fix it but Home Depot and Lowes didn’t have the part. Yes…it haunts me at night. I’m fixing my idiosyncracies one day at a time. Today…silence. Tomorrow…that cabinet.